Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
