I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
