Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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