ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
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you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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