He uses pillows to masturbate.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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