I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
