My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
