Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
