I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
