As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
