I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Please don't give away my fajitas
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