Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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