Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Redeem this text for a blowjob
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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