Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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