It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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