I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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