So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
