make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
