My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
