You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
