Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
