new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
