I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
