i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
