So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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