No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
