That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
