i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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