I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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