I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
