So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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