Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
