It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
