phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
