booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
