our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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