Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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