Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Then you guys just all showered together...?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
