Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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