Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
