my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
