you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
sarcasm needs its own font
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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