He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
