I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
we're so committed to being not committed
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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