mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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