The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
