Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Ketchup is God's man juice
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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