Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
