I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The air taste purple.
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