i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize