your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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