she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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