I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
