his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
