Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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