Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
