wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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