I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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