remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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