After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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