A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
