So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
