I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
