Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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